Why do we feel the way we do?

First off, Happy Friday to everyone!

Here in the East coast, it's quitting time or close to it, if you work a normal schedule.  

I was actually having a frustrating day at first, and felt I accomplished little until after 12 noon. 

Luckily for me, I was done before 3 and headed home.  I stopped at the local store first, because I had an urge to buy some beer and look at the wines they had. 

I'm not a huge wine drinker , but I do enjoy it now and then.  I discovered a nice smooth sweet wine several months ago at the store. I've had it several times and really love it!  

                                              It's called Stella Rosa- Black..

I'm not sure if its available everywhere, but I've found it at Target and Shoppers Food Warehouse where I go often.  If you are the type that isnt too keen on wines, never fear!    It tastes very good and everyone I have shared it with loves it too!

Anyhoo, I went to Target.....Sadly, they were out of it again. It seems to sell very well, so I bought some beer instead :)

I have fallen into a pattern at Target because when you walk straight in, womens clothes are on the right, and womens lingerie is on the left. 

Naturally, Im drawn to both sides of the isle. There's always sales and clearence on the right. Several months ago the stores near here added a new line of really cute bras and panties.  Im not sure if its the same where you live, but most stores here seem to be set up the same.

So then I take a left down the isle and quickly look for a new book or a good cheap movie I havent seen .. Housewares, food , and then to the sweet girly things....Body lotion, pretty soaps and shaving things,  and makeup. Then it's to the register or out the door if I haven't bought anything.

This is my typical pattern at Target.

 I guess I rambled a bit, but it occurred to me that I exhibit the behavior of any typical middle aged woman at that store or any other that Im comfortable in. 

Why do we feel the way we do?

Do we grow up to feel "girly" without ANY outside influence...OR is our behavior a learned behavior?   

I feel mine was both. I have always felt different, but the internet played a part.

Let's face it. most of us were facinated ( at least in the beginning) with all the internet has to offer, and some of us, like ME still are!... I love blogs! 

Shopping for clothes, makeup, breast forms , wigs, ect. is easily done from the comfort of your home online.  Trans and crossdressing forums are availible to share our troubles, experiences, and thoughts online and anonymously.  We can actally be ourselves without fear of being outled.

 My experience as I mentioned, took part long before the internet. Having sex with a cute neighborhood boy and wearing panties was the start of it for me.

 It's what I would call falling into the "rabbits hole" for me, because once I had my first cock, I was hooked.  I still liked women, and I  still do, but I always had a deep yearning to be seen as a pretty and desirable woman to a man who would accept me for who I am. 

I've had my share of jerks and unfortunatley many show their true selves in the bedroom but I weed my dates out before meeting for the most part. 

Being talked to, and treated as a sweet bitch by a real gentleman is something I love.   Meeting a man, talking, getting close , and him kissing me makes me feel ALIVE.

 My usual response, if we have been making out for a bit, is to continue kissing him and stroke his cock through his pants. 

I'm careful about this at first, because I want to guage his reaction. If not much is happening ,I let him continue to kiss me.  If he gets hard, I will continue the tease until he gets so heated up that I undo his pants and give him a blow job . However my ultimate goal with a guy at that point, is to get him into bed to fuck my sweet bottom. 

Being desired by a man as a woman makes me feel feel wanted, lusted after, and beautiful.

 I get nervous talking to a man on the phone, but I give them my phone number if they seem like a good catch.  This proves they are at least half way serious about meeting a girl, and  I find that you save a lot of time offering to talk and meet. ...If the guy is someone you are actually interested in , give him a chance to open up and tell him about yourself. Spend time taking a good picture and DON'T come on too strong...Let him persue YOU! 

 Maybe you are a casual crossdresser and have never had a man, and maybe you only desire women.  Maybe you have a wife or girlfriend, and thats just fine. If so, its probably easier not as complicated.

 For me, I hate being bisexual.  I like men slightly more, but it's confusing. I want a relationship with either, but entering into a realtionship with a woman again, I would have to be honest about my past and I adore men too much to give them completely up. 

More random girly thoughts

Hi  everyone...

Well, it's Sunday evening and the weekend is officially coming to a close. 

 It wasn't a very exciting weekend, but I did get a lot of small projects done that I had been putting off. It was nice to sleep in and wake up with a cup of coffee and watch the leaves fall, staying inside and being toasty.

It was a bit blustery with rain in between, and so I made the most of it by fixing things, doing laundry, vaccuming, and making the house sparkle. I even had my scented candles going which made the whole house smell nice.  

I enjoyed being able to dress 100% woman all weekend long ,giving my legs a good shave, and showering with one of my scented body washes. I put on my makeup, leggings, and one of my favorite sweaters and my cozy PJ's at bedtime.

It was nice to have this "Me" time all to myself and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  

Friday and Saturday evening I also had a few glasses of wine, and was chatting it up with about 5 different men on OkCupid.

 Not all at once of course, but at different times both evenings.  Two didn't respond back to me, after I explained to them politely that asking me about my body and what I liked sexually wasn't how I wanted to start a conversation. I'm interested in sex ( of course) and want that, but I feel like I'm just some curiousity to most men online. Another one blocked me...

                                           Why am I not surprised?

This left two men. One seems kinda cute and interesting, and there's a bit of back and fourth flirting and conversation which is pretty cool,but honestly I'm not sure if it will go anywhere or not.  If nothing else, it's nice to at least feel that he's talking to me and treating me as a person and a woman.    The remaining guy seems a bit shy. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I feel that I'm losing interest because I have to initiate conversation most times.  

I also seem to get several new messages whenever I post new pictures of myself, which was the case this weekend.  I really like how they turned out. 

                                                  So here they are! 

Hopefully they're not too bad for an older girl like myself. 

I'm not sure if I will leave them up here or take them down after a bit.

Feeling kinda cute though..I might leave them up..I dunno   *giggle*

Lonely for a guy

Hi everyone 

I'm sorry I haven't posted in awhile . I was a bit down but I'm doing ok.

It seems like all work lately is all.

For all my exciting and true sexual encounters with men ( good or bad) that I talk about in my posts, I have not been laid in months.

It's frustating .

I need a sweet guy to make be feel girly again.

Most are jerks .

If you are lucky enough to be a sissy or a transgirl and  charm him with your smile ( and your pussy *Wink*)   

\

Keep him.

Why stray or hookup with another guy, if he's a sweet gentleman?

I wish I was getting some sweet cock lately...Attached to a fairly nice looking man.

Lately it's just been my vibrator and me...

I'm chatting with a few guys in the hopes of company... Most have been jerks honestly...

If any of you girls are getting laid out there, let me know. Send me your story and I will publish it. 

Even  a close "encounter" you may have had......

Hugs!

Lingerie and your first experience

  ( Note: This blog post has been corrected for a few minor errors and misspellings)



                                            We all LOVE lingerie, don't we ?

                                                                        

       Isn't it a "must have " even for the casual  crossdresser? 

If you go back....... Like waaaay back when you were young, wasn't your first encounter or curiousity with crossdressing ( That got the best of you! ) with lingerie?

It could have been as simple as a pair of panties, which is how many boys start, or with some other feminine undergarment that caught your curiosity.  

Maybe you were one of the rare ones who decided to go for it and went "all out" the very first time you experimented with crossdressing.  I'm pretty sure most of us didn't though, and our first times were with one of the items mentioned above.

The first experience I can remember was being at my grandmothers house near Williamsburg, Va. I think I was five years old and we lived with her for a short time. The reason I remember being that age was that my brother was born when I was five also.

I was putting on panty hose in the living room and my grandmother caught me. I say "caught" but I actually felt no shame in it, other than doing something that I shouldn't have been doing I guess.  Maybe I had seen my grandmother, or mother putting them on and I wanted to imitate them. There must have been a reason why I took them and tried them on. ( I cant remember where from in the house)   I remember being scolded for it though.

               This curiousity  disappeared until  I was a bit older.

I looked in my mothers dresser drawer after coming home one day. I was about fourteen or fifteen years old.  I'm not even sure why I decided to look but I know I was drawn to her very feminine undergarments.  I also found a vibrator and a book .I found out later, that it was a very popular book at the time , and still available . It was called "Forbidden Flowers"  by Nancy Friday.  She wrote a few books, the most popular being "My Secret Garden"  but I STILL havent read that one. 

I got curious and would put on her panties and read the book, along with the vibrator ( which came about later) I would imagine myself being the woman in the stories. These were letters published in the book of women's sexual fantasies and experiences, and I would orgasm imagining myself  in these situations and then I would feel ashamed afterwards quite often.... Perhaps we all did 

                      A bit later, when Greg ( my first) began fucking me, 

I would wear the panties for him also, but when we couldn't get together, I would think of him while wearing them, pleasuring myself with the vibrator and the book.

If you go back and read "My first time with a boy as a sissy" it gets into in a bit, along with losing my virginity to him.  

It  felt natural  and the panties were the item that  I started to express my other gender with. I didn't wear dresses in those days but I did start wearing the  panties and girls jeans as I mentioned , and those "high waist" panties that he loved me to wear whenever he decided to fuck me. 


I would like to ask YOU, the readers of my blog. ....What was the first thing you remember?   

Did you just try something on as I did ,only to have it reappear years later , or was it a progression?

Please comment and let me know!

I'm very interested in what you other girls have been through, and I promise to publish every comment that you make.

Thanks again for reading, and I truly am glad you are reading my blog!

                                          Hugs!
                                          Franni

What does it take for a girl to get laid?....And other random thoughts

  So, hopefully I didn't put everyone to sleep with my long winded love story.  It was just something I have mentioned briefly in previous posts, and I  finally took the time to talk about it. 

To any and all following and  reading my blog I wish to say thank you! 

It might seem like I lead an exciting life, when actually it's "anything but" at times. I'm not some young  hot or cute full time girl ( Well, cute hopefully! ) and if you met me on the street I appear as any other male but suspect I come across to some as gay.

My voice and walk go between masculine and feminine at times where it honestly happens randomly. I've pondered it many times and have come to the conclusion that It most often happens when I'm comfortable in my surroundings or who I'm with. 


   I'm also not a writer at all and there was one point early on where I thought about giving it up because I didn't feel anyone was reading. I read some other blogs and several are listed to the right of my page, as well as randomly searching for them. I was amazed and still am, on how many followers are on many of them. 

All that being said, I truly appreciate each and every one of you reading!   I mean seriously, who can be all that interested in an older trans girl who secretly dates and fucks men, and who is afraid to come fully "out of the closet?"

I've shared some pretty private things on here and will continue to do so. It's my outlet to share my private life and welcome any and all messages and comments.

I had a reader who sent me an email on July 10th. I never actually thought someone would message me and never thought about anyone doing so. It's things like this that make me want to continue to post. We are all on a different path but are all "sisters" because we share something that most born males will never know. How we feel not just with our bodies, but what is going on inside our head.

The email reads as follows . From her email, I will call her Vivian.


V*** @ *** .com

I want to thank you for your blog! I love every aspect of it, as it gives me insights into myself as well as the gurls I adore. God, I wish I could have met you years ago! Maybe I'll bump into you at the grocery store and have no idea I was THAT close to Frangurl!

Love,

A sometimes CD

Thank you for the email Vivian. The first two sentences of your message is what keeps me writing. At the store though, you would likely see me as a male who is sometimes  seen as a gay male! ( not that there's anything wrong with that!)


Yep, I don't lead some amazing life. Amazing experiences, yes but its not easy to hide it always. If you are a older girl who is "out" please share your experience with me and I will publish it . Perhaps we can get a discussion going!

Also, why is it so hard to get laid? 

It always took a little effort, since girls like us fall into a very small group or subset. Most gay men are not interested in us ( and I'm NOT attracted to gay men at all anyway) . Then there are the "chasers" and the perverts, married men, trolls and homophobes, who get angry or pick a fight for no reason, and the ones who give you a runaround...They can never commit to meet.

Like me you want a hard cock inside you and hopefully like me, you also want it attached to a reasonably attractive man who at least a bit charming, and not a creep!

You would think it would be easier to have these two things...

And of course a bit of cuddling after!

Just a cool guy you could hand out with at least. You would also think that men would be lining up for girls like us, but like me lately you might find that that's just not the case.

   I'll blame it on age and I suspect if I was younger I would be getting more attention!  

Craigslist is gone for personal ads, OkCupid sucks lately, so I'm open to suggestions on how this girl might be able to meet a guy   

Please tell me what has worked for you girls, the sort of ad you published , and how it turned out.  I will publish all comments ( No email addresses will be shown if you choose to email) and would like to see what is working for like minded girls like myself.

                                                                                                                       

Thoughts of a past boyfriend part 5

Into our third and fourth year together  I became very comfortable in how things were going. Not just in my relationship with him but in how I felt inside my head. 
I'm not sure how many of you girls have wanted, or have had, a relationship with a man but I struggled with my emotions and fears early on. Having a secret long term relationship with a man as his live-in girlfriend  while still trying to keep it a secret filled me with excitement and sheer joy, but also a bit of fear and anxiety, because I wasn't "out"  ( more on this below)

     

   Major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas were usually split. I would go to my mothers house to be with my family for dinners.Other times my mother would be visiting her husbands family, but Danny and I  always spent Christmas eve and morning together.  We usually exchanged cards, and it was understood that we wouldnt spend much money on each other, but on a few ocassions he broke the rules!  He bought me a white vanity with a big mirror and another time a diamond tennis bracelet. I dont have the vanity anymore, but I DO have the tennis bracelet and to this day, it's STILL my favorite piece of jewelry.

   Being "found out" by family and friends was still my major concern and his also, but we made it work. I do know that my mother was pretty sure we were a couple after being over the house a few times. She commented a few times when I stopped by to see her ( she lived about 6 miles away)  which led me to believe she knew.   She didnt ask me, but would say things like  "How are you and Danny doing?"   "What are you and Danny doing this weekend?" and things like that. Maybe I read too much into it, but the way she asked me made me feel like she knew because we did so much together. Another time his son came to visit for three or four days and he acted like he knew ( later I found out from Danny that he suspected) Also a male friend of mine found out about me, or I assumed he did, because after coming over to the house a few times, he became distant and we didn't speak much after that time. Another female friend found out after I told her, but she was pretty cool about it, or I thought so anyway.

  I also became much better at sucking a man off.  

I had done it many times before of course (as you could tell from some of my posts) but this was different. I would usually play with his cock and suck him off to completion in the morning 

This was fine with me for a few reasons. For one, I preferred being fucked in the evening and also wasn't freshly douched which I was ( and am) very picky and self conscious about. The other reason was my pussy was sore at times from the night before and sometimes for a few days afterwards. 

There were exceptions though. He sometimes just rolled me over, lubed up his cock and fucked me anyway and I had no say in the matter. I felt it was my place to submit to him as his girl and I never denied him but it sometimes made me sore. I loved the man, and my pleasure was gained by knowing I satisfied him.  I was actually proud of it.

We remembered each others birthdays with a card or small gift and sometimes he would cook me a special dinner. Usually when it came to a birthday gift, I would get lingerie or perfume, Nothing extravagant but very nice. Of course when it came to the lingerie, it was as much his gift as it was mine !  On a few birthdays I wore what he bought me and my legs felt like "Jello" for at least two days after !   

Poppers also played a huge role in our lovemaking. It made me incredibly horny but also helped me take his cock for a longer period of time, especially if I was a little sore. I probably used poppers at least 50% of the time by now and was so hooked on the way they made me feel while getting fucked. While being fucked from behind ( like the picture above) I would hold onto the pillows and my little bottle of liquid ecstasy, sniffing it while he slid his meaty cock in and out of me. The best part of it was getting that warm rush from the poppers at the same exact moment he came inside me. The warm sensation of the poppers with his warm cum was an amazing feeling. They're not for everyone, and too much of it will give you a headache afterwards but it you like them, then I urge you to try this....You will thank me later! 


We were very close at this time, and other than being "outed" those few times with family and in public, we had no major issues in our relationship. We had what I would call "discussions" on things and sometimes they got heated, but nothing that I would even remotely call a fight.  We would play and tease just like any other couple  and it all gave me a sense of belonging as a woman who was sexually and emotionally attracted to men just as a straight woman was. 

Emotionally, I was glad I had overcame much of the shame in my head and accepted the fact that I was in love with a man who also loved me. It was the only part that messed with my head. That emotional attraction and attachment to a man. I had no problem with being sexually active or attracted to men at all. ( as you all know!) I love a mans hard cock  and its "happy ending"  and I'm certain I always will. 

In our last year together things started to change. 

He changed.

He had become more distant.

 It seemed gradual at first and I thought that maybe he just had things on his mind and I would try to give him a little space, because I thought I was "smothering" him too maybe. We still had sex but the whole cuddling thing afterwards wasn't as often. After he came he would either get out of bed or roll over ( sometimes without even a kiss) and go to sleep, depending on if it was morning or evening.  This hurt my feelings pretty deep at times and I would sometimes roll over and cry myself to sleep silently, or go to the bathroom after he got up and do the same there.

Then it got to a point for a few weeks where he wouldn't touch me at all. I would try to initiate sex by giving him a kiss whether we were in bed or not, or by playing with his cock but he would roll over, say he was tired, or simply say he wasn't in the mood. I would use one of my toys when he wasn't around now and then, but it honestly didn't do much for me and I began to grow very depressed.

 I felt unattractive and even ugly. I even started to question what I was even doing with my life, since I felt I had given myself up to a man  and risked everything to be in this secret relationship with him.  "I'm not pretty enough", "What's happening to me"  and many other thoughts filled my head.

I also started to slack off on things around the house and got to where I just didn't care. I no longer gave a fuck. This also started arguments and I got a bit mouthy at times , telling him once    " If I'm not treated as your wife or girlfriend, then why should I act like one?"  This went on for a while when I also "point blank" asked him "Do you want me to leave?" "Are you tired of me?"

After we cooled off he finally told me the truth. I knew it was coming, I just didn't want to admit it.   "I'm having second thoughts about all this" He said.  "All this WHAT?"  I asked him.  "You and I, the fact that your not a genetic woman, and my feelings about it all" he said.

Tears ran down my face but I didn't sob, I just sat there listening to him. " You tell me all this NOW?"  "Why now, after all this time?"   I didn't get an answer and if he had his mind made up, it didn't matter anyway.  I went up to bed and he stayed up watching TV that night.  I had calmed down in the morning and I told him I would move out if he wanted me to.  "I think its for the best" He told me.  

I had my furniture in storage and most of what I had at his house were my clothes, makeup and bath things which wasn't hard to move. I left the vanity he bought me because I couldn't fit it into my car ( although I  now wish I had taken it)  I looked for a new place but then ended up talking to my previous landlord and to my surprise the house I had moved from was actually available for me to rent again!  At least there was one good thing out of it all!

After it was over, we actually talked and he told me he was sorry he had put me through so much. I was sad but forgave him, because no matter how I put it into words here, I knew he meant it. Forgiving someone also brings closure which was something I needed.

I saw him only once after about a year and a half later. It's possible I'll run into him again since we still live about 5 miles apart ( unless he's moved) We ran into each other outside of a local grocery store. We chatted briefly and I told him he looked good ( He had lost weight ) and he thanked me and returned the compliment ( I was in male mode of course)  He also told me he was remarried to a great woman and I congratulated him.

               

 I wish him nothing but happiness and will always remember my time with him.

Thank you all for reading and although I'm not much of a writer, I hope you enjoyed reading it.

Franni

   

  

  

thoughts of a past boyfriend part 4

   


 One of my readers here, Fiona asked me if It became difficult or confusing switching, or acting male when I was outside of home. ( Her question can be read in the comments below my previous posts and my reply)  To add to that, the answer is a big YES. I didn't know if I was coming or going at times. Much of this had to do with being sure I had removed my eyeliner and mascara in the morning before work. Add to that, long lasting lipstick and press on nails which also presented a problem and my anxiety was "through the roof" at times. Even though I didn't wear it too dark and wore light shades usually, I still felt it showed. My suspicions were confirmed not once, but TWICE when ( luckily) one of my women friends who knew all about me  told me I still had much of my eyeliner on!

Some days there wasn't much to do when I got home but the other three or four days of the week I was busy cleaning, doing laundry or dishes, and vacuuming the house. Again, folding laundry and putting it away wasn't my strong point, but I always made sure it was done.  Sometimes I went to Lowes to buy plants or flowers, which I planted in the backyard, or bought for inside the house, and loved going to Bed Bath and Beyond and Kohls to shop or just to look around. I  did bake now and then, like cookies, muffins and a pie occasionally , but he actually did most of the cooking when it came to meals. I did the rest and was quite happy doing it.

I also became more comfortable going out in public, but only with him. I rarely ever went out by myself in female mode. I did a few times, but I was ( and continue to be)  very self conscious about it.  He was a confident man and sure of himself, and here I was...Timid and afraid of being discovered as a male who wanted to present and live as a woman, with a man. 

We would usually go out of town to be together which suited both of us, but we presented like any other male/female couple when we did. I rarely received any notice since our dinner date at the restaurant earlier in our relationship, but it did happen. I recall one such trip to a park when we passed another middle aged couple on a trail we were walking going the opposite direction. I heard the woman of the couple clearly say to her husband or boyfriend " Not sure, but I think THAT was a guy!"

 I took it in stride and it happened a few other times too ( which I might talk about later)  but I knew it was going to. I know I'm not completely passable and I have no unrealistic view in my head that I pass 100% of the time.  I just wish girls like us could be who we are, and I honestly don't dress or behave in any way that I would want to draw unwanted attention to myself.


I had mentioned to him a few times that it would be nice to stay in a cabin or cottage in the mountains near Skyline Drive sometime. He seemed to agree, and to my surprise he had booked us at a wonderful cabin a week later!

Here are a few pictures of the ACTUAL cabin that I found online. 
It took me a while to find it, because I put in the location wrong.

                                                          So cozy!

Danny had prepaid for the two days and the front door key was hidden on the front porch for us. The cabin was away from everything and secluded. There was a longer driveway past the house to the property owners, but you couldn't see it from the house. There were also a lot of wildflowers off to one side of the property which was so pretty!   Not sure why they don't post them along with the house, but they should!

We stayed for two days, sightseeing and then spending time at the cabin the rest of the time. Danny cooked both days but not all meals. In other words, the first morning was fruit and bagels for breakfast , but he grilled steaks , potatoe and a salad for dinner.  The next day was the opposite...Scrambled eggs, bacon, toast and juice, with sub sandwiches for dinner.   I liked it, but told him I didn't want him in the kitchen , I wanted time with him.

We drove on Skyline drive, walked a few trails, and took the tour of Luray Caverns which is a very popular attraction here in Virginia.The hot tub was nice and I brought along my one piece swimsuit.   We sat in it on our first night there, and he kept pouring me wine, which I loved and we made out in the tub on and off. I got a little drunk, but not what I would call "over the top". I just had a good buzz I guess. 

We did fuck that evening and since I was a bit drunk and feeling adventurous, I wanted to try a different position with me sitting on his lap straddling him. I even looked the position up and think its called "the butterfly" ( but I may be wrong)  I wasn't sure it would work since anatomically, I'm not a born woman with a vagina, but when I also read that gay males can use this position, I was thrilled ( yet shy) to try it with him.

 Omg!

 It was uncomfortable at first but was incredible  after the initial pain went away!  

I was impaled all the way down on him in this position and rubbed his tight balls while we rocked gently back and fourth. It's a very intimate position where you can kiss and hold each other too and are able to feel every inch of his cock. I actually had my very first orgasm  from being penetrated by a man,and I'm sure it was my prostrate.My pussy was throbbing while I was leaking from my penis and didn't have an erection at all!  I was shaking and squealing. He came soon after, and a warm feeling filled my body.... It was amazing, and  after the trip was over this became one of my favorite positions.

I was a happy girl,but a bit sore. Our second evening was less eventful, but still nice. We didn't fuck, but just spooned and fell asleep. I loved sex with him but actually being close and intimate is something I really enjoyed at least as much and probably more. 

We left about 10 the next morning and headed back home, but it was romantic trip that I will always remember and cherish.